plz talk dirty to me
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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