How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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