You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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