Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
