I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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