yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
