True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
