I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
