I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
