I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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