Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize