so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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