didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I got her a Nickelback box set.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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