Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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