I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
