i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
