i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
