go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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