I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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