walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
4 words: hood of his car
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
