i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
