im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
