I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
my shit smells like andre
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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