My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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