What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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