So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
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The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
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You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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