Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
