I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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