Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
