i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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