is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Shame - the story of my life.
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