making cat noises will not fix the situation.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
