I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
