when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
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A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
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I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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