I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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