If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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