so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Randomize
