fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
