Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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