no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
