The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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