i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
