dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
no you cant smoke seaweed
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
