She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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