Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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