Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
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It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
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just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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