just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
