I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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