and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
