apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You dont lie about slip and slides
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
