Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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