I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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