i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
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i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
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The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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