I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
