Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
