meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
too bad you live with your parents still
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
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