Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
