my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
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