I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My liver just had a heart attack.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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