Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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