At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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