Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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