need another drink. this is the easiest way
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
