I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
